If you read this blog, you saw how my relationship with Mr. IM started and, ultimately ended…but what you may not have known was how deeply the end of this relationship affected my life. Here’s where I am 1 year later…
I was in love with Mr. IM. Give better than you get love. Do anything for him love. Happily ever after love. The love you always dreamed that someone would feel for you. You know, that kind of love. And I thought he loved me too. He said he did, almost daily. And I really believed he did, probably because I wanted him to, so much. Truthfully, there were red flags from almost the start–plenty of them. Since they were issues that weren’t between us but in other aspects of his life, I ignored them. It was easier to look the other way.
Anyway, since this blog is really about me and not anyone else, I don’t feel like I can go into these issues. But they were there and, as I said, I looked the other way. The funny thing is, I don’t think those outside issues were what broke us up in the first place. The biggest personal issue we had was our different perspectives on love. I have come to realize that I love fully and deeply. In other words, I am an all-in person. And I just don’t think Mr. IM knew how to match me. He had a history of peripheral relationships based on sex and sexual attraction and I knew it. I though I was the one to show him true partnership and love. Talk about ego–I really thought I could change a lifetime of behavior cause he was now with me. I truly did. It did work, for 19 months…but I now realize it was just a matter of time until we imploded.
And implode we did. And I was crushed. Battered. Destroyed. Every beaten down adjective that you can name…that’s how I felt. I’m not even sure how he did it, but he picked right up and started with someone new. And I have spent the last year (yes, it is one year today) trying to pick up the pieces. I guess a consequence of loving deeply is the amount of time it takes you to get past it–especially when you didn’t see the end coming in the first place. The first couple of months were truly difficult for me to even function, never mind try to date. I spent so much time with him, I had gaping holes in my life to fill and it took every bit of my energy to just get through those first few months. I leaned, very heavily, on my kids and my friends–I truly don’t know what I would have done had I not had the support system I had. I don’t even like to go there.
So here I am at the 1 year point. I have come so far. I don’t cry anymore when I say his name. I have gone out with 26 different men–some multiple times. I thought I came close to finding another relationship a couple of times, but none have worked out like I want as of yet. I have made some great new friends–both male and female. I found new interests that I have really enjoyed. I have rediscovered some activities that were once a big part of my life and are once again. Many weeks I have more things to do than I have the time to do them. I have learned a lot about myself–good and bad. I have put my shattered heart back together again with crazy glue and duct tape and it still beats.
He still calls, occasionally. And it still makes my heart beat so fast that my mind races and I can’t even think clearly. He has told me 3 different times how much he regrets losing me–but somehow he is still in the same relationship he left me for so I guess I’m more replaceable than I’d hoped I was. He wants to be friends but I’m just not there yet and I don’t know if I will ever be. In case you are wondering what my point is here–life does go on. Even when you can’t imagine that it will, it does. Cause there were days for me where it was hard to even breathe. I still believe I will find someone who will love me deeply and unwaveringly. For who I really am on the inside, not just on the outside. You know, just like I loved him.
Lessons Learned:
1. I have said this before–heed the red flags! Trust your instincts–they usually will serve you well.
2. Go into love with your eyes open–make sure the one you love can love you the way you need to be loved. If you are not a match here, it will never work out in the long term.
3. Don’t get lost in your love..keep your friends and family as part of your life. If you get alienated and things don’t work out, you will be truly alone.
4. Life goes on. It takes awhile, but it does…