Monthly Archives: June 2015

So my self-imposed exile from online dating lasted about 3 months.  And it was good to take a break from the pressure. But it also was 3 months without any male companionship at all so by early January I was rested, recharged and ready to start again.  With it being about 6 months since I broke up with Mr. IM, I thought it was time to get back on Match–I was prepared that I could see him on there and I was prepared to handle it.  (right? ugh!)

Almost as soon as I got back, I came across a nice looking guy who was from back east and I sent him an e-mail.  He responded right away and we made arrangements to meet–at the exact same place I had met my last date! What can I say–I’m certainly a creature of habit.  Anyway, we met and once again–it was fine. Just fine.  I can’t even remember what we talked about, but it was just…nice.  No sparks…no fireworks….no interest.  I was actually wondering why he was on match cause he really didn’t seem very interested in dating-anybody!  Maybe he needed to take a break–I don’t know!  As you can imagine, our first date was also our last one–not the best date to break my hiatus, but given some of the dates I’ve had–not the worst either!  Number 35, you’re up!

One quick note:  By the time I got back on Match, I had been off it for over 27 months–I was honestly shocked at the number of guys who were still on it from the last time I had been there! Now maybe, like me. they were off for awhile in this time period but I just don’t know.  Anyway, it is discouraging to see the same faces from over 2 years ago–how many people are actually able to get off this damn website and find true love??  Maybe coming back was not the best idea! (oh, I have never seen Mr. IM–probably cause he’d rather stay in his bad relationship than end it and try to find a new one!)

Lesson learned:

1.  Taking a break is good, but don’t expect that much will change when you get back..you may have left for awhile, but the website goes on and on!

Dating is a tough business.  And online dating is even worse. After I have been online dating for awhile, it just gets to me.  I get tired of not hearing from those I want to hear from–and getting interest from people that I have zero interest in.  After the debacle that was date 33, I decided it was time for a break.

And it’s actually freeing to give it up… I can check my e-mail without looking to see who did (or didn’t)  write to me.  I don’t have to struggle to respond to e-mails from people I have no interest it (and it is a struggle–I’m never looking to be mean–these people deserve the same courtesy as I do from those I write to–but you try telling someone you have no interest in them in a nice way–it’s not easy at all!)  I can focus on anything else but dating–it really is good to take a break and recharge.

Not sure how long I will be off, but trying to hold out until the start of 2015–hopefully I will feel ready to dive in again at that point…we shall see!

As I sit here after 33 dates, there a only a few that really stand out….obviously the crazy ones, but there were only a few that really had an impact on me:  number 17–my first kiss in over 3 years (and the reason I started this blog), number 21–my first long-term relationship (and subsequent heartache), number  29–my chemistry-overloaded pair of dates and number 33…and here’s why….

I favorited number 33 and he saw it and contacted me..we went back and forth a bit online, but just before I was going to contact him, I kind of pulled back and decided to take a few days break…this happens a lot!  Online dating can be really difficult emotionally and sometimes you just need to pull back and take a breather.  He sent me a few texts asking me to reconsider, but I just told him I needed a break…and I took one for a few days.  Early the next month, I was back online and he saw it and contacted me.  Even though I still really wasn’t in a good dating frame of mind, I felt bad that I had blown him off the first time so I agreed to a coffee date.

Now I knew I really wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this date–I had been dating a lot with no real results and I finally realized I was just going through the motions–my heart was still not yet whole, regardless of how much I was trying to pretend it was.   Still, I mistakenly thought that more dating was the answer to getting over my heartbreak–so I went out on date after date, while never making a real connection.  Number 33 was the date that finally woke me up and made me smell the coffee–and it was at a coffee shop, no less!

This date started a bit weird–I was in the coffee place and I got a text from him asking me if I was wearing a blue dress with a sexy walk…I looked around the place and I couldn’t see him…looked outside and didn’t see him..finally responded to the text with a “where are you” and he didn’t answer right away.  I admit I was completely creeped out by now–feeling like you are being watched is very uncomfortable and not being able to find him made it worse.  A few minutes later, he comes through the door (with a full beard–unlike his completely clean-shaven picture) and says he had arrived early,  was sitting in his car in the lot and saw me walk by but wasn’t sure it was me, hence the text.  I didn’t make a big deal of it, but honestly, it was kind of creepy and it started the date off on the wrong foot–at least as far as I was concerned.

Once we met, he was very nice and friendly–the conversation flowed easily and comfortably–but I could see he was into me and I just wasn’t feeling it.  This is once of the first times it really bothered me, though, because I pretty much knew I wasn’t feeling it even before I met him due to my state of mind.  As he walked me to my car at the end of the date, he asked me “So where do you want to go next time?” to which I just said I would be in touch and let him know.  But I knew I had no intention of going out with him again and I truly felt bad.

In retrospect, I had no right going out with him or anyone else for that matter-my heart was closed and I was just wasting his time (and mine).  I feared I was becoming what is referred to as a serial dater–someone just dating for the hell of it with no intention of settling down (although they say they are).  I had to finally face what most of my friends were telling me–while my heart is still so raw, I have no business dating and I just need to take a break.

Three days after this date, I took my profile down from the dating sites I was on-I still want to find the love of my life, but it makes no sense to look right now because I’m not ready for him yet.  Damn.

Lessons learned:

1.  Don’t be a creeper–texting me like he did made me uncomfortable!  Make sure you are there before you text something like that.

2.  Take the time you need and heal before you start dating after a heartbreak.  I could have met someone who would be great for me during this period and not have even known it because I was closed off emotionally.

3.  Guess it’s time for a break….

I am making a huge effort to not just pick guys I have an attraction to, but those who have interesting profiles/backgrounds.  Enter Number 32.  He was not traditionally handsome (in my eyes), but he seemed to be very smart and well-rounded and that was attractive to me. In fact, he might have been a bit too smart…

For some reason, my dates come in clusters and this was my 3rd date in this week.  For some other reason, I never double checked my date time and I thought it was for 7 pm.  As I pull into a space at 6:45 (my usual early), my phone rings–apparently the date was for 6:30 and instead of being 15 minutes early, I am now 15 minutes late! (and I hate being late!!)   I jump out of the car and run into the meeting place–another coffee spot I had been to at least twice before.  I make my apologies and start to relax.

One of the things that really appealed to me about Mr. 32 was that he was in a band (on the side–not his main job) Now I love music and was very excited to talk music with someone who really appreciated it.  But Mr. 31 also had his PHD and he liked talking about that a bit more than he did about his music.  I imagine I would be proud if I had a PHD, but I’m not sure I would want to discuss it with strangers but maybe I would.  Anyway, the chemistry was non-existant and the date ended after an hour or so and he walked back to my car.

As soon as I got to my car, I saw I had left my lights on in my haste to get in the coffeeshop…and I just knew my engine would be dead! I didn’t, however, want him to see that so I jumped in my car and casually turned the lights off before I said good night.  He gave me a hug and walked away–and I spent the next 30 min in a near-vacant parking lot on the phone with a girlfriend while waiting for AAA to come jump start my car!  I guess the smarter my dates, the stupider I become…note to self:  keep away from the PHD’s

Lessons learned:

1.  Always double check your meeting place/time.  If I had looked at my calendar, I wouldn’t have been late and wouldn’t have rushed and, one can hope, I wouldn’t have left my lights on in my haste.  Very stupid mistake.

2.  Sometimes having 3 dates in a week is too much–it might help to space them out a bit more.

I met Number 31 on a website for more ‘mature’ daters.  Yet again here was a guy who seemed to have it all on paper–good job, similar interests and he loved dogs!  And once again my hopes were higher than they should have been..

This man lived closer to me than almost anyone else I had ever dated–literally walking distance.  Which would have been great if we clicked but also could have been weird if we didn’t–as it turned out, I’ve never come across him again so it was not an issue at all.  But being so close turned the coffee place nearest my home into the designated meeting place once again-making him the 4th person I have met here–I really have to vary my meeting places unless they are willing to give me a frequent buyer discount…

So we met in the evening for coffee.  And, like so many other dates, it was fine.  Just fine.  He seemed very sweet–the best word I can think of  is earnest. He was brand new to dating again and seemed very unsure of what to do next. I actually thought this could be a good thing because it seems the longer you date, the more jaded you get and I personally liked his newbie enthusiasm.  I sat there waiting and hoping for the sparks to hit, but nothing.  I wasn’t willing to let this one go yet, so after I thanked him for the date (via text), we did make other plans to walk our dogs together.  Figured it was a good way to get together again, especially since we lived so close.

I have to say I was a bit worried about a doggie date–my dog (who has since passed away and I miss everyday!) tended to get a bit stubborn and jealous and I just wasn’t sure how he would handle being walked with another guy and 2 other dogs.  Turns out he was an angel–it was his dogs that were the issue! Whew–you know you love it when your kid is not the one causing trouble and that’s just how I felt.  We did a bit of walking around the area but one of his dogs was just not cooperating so we cut it a bit short.  Again, nice but no sparks. Nothing.  Nada. Zip.  Really not worth going on another date again and I think he realized it.  Once again,  what seemed promising on paper–not so promising in reality.  Next?

Lesson Learned:

1.  Give someone a second shot if you think it’s worth it–I keep waiting for fireworks to hit me like they did with Mr. IM but it’s not happening–I think I need to accept that relationships can build slowly and still be great.

2.  Beware when you bring animals–if they don’t get along, it could cut a promising date short. But I do believe in the old adage that if your dog doesn’t like someone, pay attention!  Pets are sometimes better judges of character than we are!

If you read this blog, you saw how my relationship with Mr. IM started and, ultimately ended…but what you may not have known was how deeply the end of this relationship affected my life.  Here’s where I am 1 year later…

I was in love with Mr. IM.  Give better than you get love.  Do anything for him love.  Happily ever after love. The love you always dreamed that someone would feel for you.  You know, that kind of love. And I thought he loved me too.  He said he did, almost daily.  And I really believed he did, probably because I wanted him to, so much.  Truthfully, there were red flags from almost the start–plenty of them.  Since they were issues that weren’t between us but in other aspects of his life, I ignored them.   It was easier to look the other way.

Anyway, since this blog is really about me and not anyone else, I don’t feel like I can go into these issues.  But they were there and, as I said,  I looked the other way.  The funny thing is, I don’t think those outside issues were what broke us up in the first place. The biggest personal issue we had was our different perspectives on love.  I have come to realize that I love fully and deeply.  In other words, I am an all-in person.   And I just don’t think Mr. IM knew how to match me.  He had a history of peripheral relationships based on sex and sexual attraction and I knew it.  I though I was the one to show him true partnership and love. Talk about ego–I really thought I could change a lifetime of behavior cause he was now with me.   I truly did.   It did work, for 19 months…but I now realize it was just a matter of time until we imploded.

And implode we did. And I was crushed. Battered. Destroyed. Every beaten down adjective that you can name…that’s how I felt.  I’m not even sure how he did it, but he picked right up and started with someone new.  And I have spent the last year (yes, it is one year today) trying to pick up the pieces.  I guess a consequence of loving deeply is the amount of time it takes you to get past it–especially when you didn’t see the end coming in the first place.  The first couple of months were truly difficult for me to even function, never mind try to date.  I spent so much time with him, I had gaping holes in my life to fill and it took every bit of my energy to just get through those first few months.  I leaned, very heavily, on my kids and my friends–I truly don’t know what I would have done had I not had the support system I had.  I don’t even like to go there.

So here I am at the 1 year point.  I have come so far.  I don’t cry anymore when I say his name.  I have gone out with 26 different men–some multiple times. I thought I came close to finding another relationship a couple of times, but none have worked out like I want as of yet.  I have made some great new friends–both male and female.  I found new interests that I have really enjoyed.  I have rediscovered some activities that were once a big part of my life and are once again. Many weeks I have more things to do than I have the time to do them.  I have learned a lot about myself–good and bad. I have put my shattered heart back together again with crazy glue and duct tape and it still beats.

He still calls, occasionally.  And it still makes my heart beat so fast that my mind races and I can’t even think clearly.  He has told me 3 different times how much he regrets losing me–but somehow he is still in the same relationship he left me for so I guess I’m more replaceable than I’d hoped I was.  He wants to be friends but I’m just not there yet and I don’t know if I will ever be.  In case you are wondering what my point is here–life does go on.  Even when you can’t imagine that it will, it does.  Cause there were days for me where it was hard to even  breathe.  I still believe I will find someone who will love me deeply and unwaveringly.  For who I really am on the inside, not just on the outside.  You know, just like I loved him.

Lessons Learned:

1. I have said this before–heed the red flags!  Trust your instincts–they usually will serve you well.

2.  Go into love with your eyes open–make sure the one you love can love you the way you need to be loved.  If you are not a match here, it will never work out in the long term.

3.  Don’t get lost in your love..keep your friends and family as part of your life.  If you get alienated and things don’t work out, you will be truly alone.

4.  Life goes on. It takes awhile, but it does…