Date 29/Take 2: The walk of shame….
When I left you after the first date with number 29, I was still trying to make peace with my new approach to dating: sex first, ask questions later. I was heading out for a trip the next day, so I didn’t have much time to really think about it until I got on the plane–and then it just exploded in my head…What the hell did I just do? Have I completely lost my mind? Is this what dating has reduced me to: a slut? Let’s just say the thoughts were not pretty and leave it at that. I tried to rationalize my actions by thinking that this guy was not a player and it was truly consensual and enjoyable but, honestly, it still didn’t go down too easily…
When I returned from my short trip, we had date #2–well, perhaps I should call it encounter number 2, since we didn’t actually go anywhere but my house since my plane was delayed multiple times and I didn’t even get home until after 10 pm. I was looking forward to the opportunity to spend some quiet time together so we could talk further. When he showed up at 11 pm, he had a nice bottle of wine and donuts from a nearby 24 hour donut shop! This was kind of an inside joke between us and it really touched me deeply that he took the time and effort to do this. It may sound sad and pathetic, but I am usually the one who does the thoughtful things in my relationships and to have someone do something so sweet and unexpected for me was really special. As you can tell, it really doesn’t take a lot of effort to make me happy!
Yes, we may have gone there again, but we did talk too–for hours–he stayed until 4:30 am and I can’t even remember the last time I was up for an all-nighter like that! I was really feeling a growing connection with this man and I was looking forward to getting to know him even better–excited, even, at the prospect. I guess I should have known better because once he left, though, poof! It was like we never even happened… There was a bit of texting and 1 email, but I was waiting for that call so we could see each other again..and it never came. After 3 days, I finally sent him a text saying I just couldn’t continue a sexual relationship with no strings attached…and got no reply. Sent him an e-mail explaining my thought process the next day, which he finally answered by saying he would call the following day, but no call. Sent a text the next day just to keep communication open but no response. Poof! Like it never happened…
This one truly puzzles me. And saddens me. To get so close to finding something I am looking for, only to have it totally evaporate like it was never even there, seems cruel to me. This is how I view the process of online dating….picture yourself in a stadium full of tens of thousands of beautiful, available women–and someone looking up into the stands sees just you…nobody else…just you, in laser focus. You stand out in the crowd–and everyone else melts away. At least that’s how I see it…and I really thought he saw me and maybe for a few minutes he did, but not for long enough.
In the final analysis, this one is a tough one. It may be self-serving, but I really think he liked me but he’s just not ready for me..we clicked on so many levels, but I think he panicked a bit and completely withdrew. Maybe hearing I wanted a relationship put him over the edge–I really don’t know. The sad part is I would have been happy to just continue dating–just without the sex part until we were exclusive. He’s been divorced twice and that really must take a toll on your ability to put yourself our there again–I’ve only been there once, but I still know how hard it is to give your heart to someone who could end up trampling on it (yup, been there, done that!) Maybe playing the field is safer cause you never really get close enough to get hurt. I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Through this process I have reinforced something I really knew already: casual sex in dating does not work for me. If I’m not in a loving, committed relationship, I need to just be patient before I jump into bed–It’s not just an act to me, it’s an expression of love and intimacy that isn’t the same with someone you don’t really know. This lesson came with a high price this time around, cause I really thought I could like this guy. I just went about the whole process backwards. Damn
Someone is out there for me….this is what keeps me going…dates 30 and 31 are on deck, and the revolving door just keeps on going round and round. I am truly tired of this whole process–but I believe deep down in my trampled, stiched-together heart that one day I will find the one for me and all the garbage I had to go through will be totally worth it. Until then I will concentrate on what I do have: a great family, an amazing amount of friends who love and care for me, my health, a roof over my head and food in my pantry, a dog who thinks I rule and a helluva blog….
Lessons learned:
1. Follow your heart. Know who you are and what feels right for you. And don’t lose sight of it in the heat of the moment.
2. Know when to cut your losses. Silence speaks louder than words sometimes.
3. As I’ve said before, the sun does come out tomorrow…but pardon me if I don’t feel like singing right now…